#so yeah overall life is good
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just remembered i turn 25 in a week
#very happy with where i am in this point of my life tbh :)#i have a career i enjoy#and a beautiful loving healing relationship#and i’m close with my siblings#and also have so many lesbian friends that bring my life so much joy#and i’m playing rugby now and love it!!#and i have 2 beautiful cats :)#only real hardship is my mom getting worse slowly#but the lead oncologist said she’s a miracle and said she has at least a year left#maybe more since all of her vital organs are functioning!!#which is amazing!#so yeah overall life is good
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I think the whole issue I have with Howl's character in HMC movie can be outlined in one brief sentence:
"You can't write Howl Pendragon without writing Howell Jenkins"
#and that's basically it#yeah he was also made in a bland perfect ver of himself BUT#that's also kind of a part of erasing his whole story#and replacing his own character#IT'S JUST#his nationality his life his education his love for his family#the difference between his reputation in Ingary and in Wales#HIS QUIRCKS OF ADAPTING OR REFUSING TO ADAPT TO MEDIEVAL SOCIETY#his early life his damn PhD the expectation that were on him#his overall vibe even#IS SO tightly tied to his origin and backstory#that by erasing or changing it in any efficent way#you destroy the character entierly#yeah he's good#but he's not well himself anymore#by adaptation#means#hmc book#howl's moving castle book#hmc#howl's moving castle#howell jenkins#howl pendragon#howls moving castle
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So basically ATLA brain rot has hit me like a truck
#atla#avatar the last airbender#zuko#toph beifong#what happened was I was forced to watch the live action#which is actually pretty good if you get past the first few episodes#and if you don’t have someone in your ear telling you it’s awful the whole time#first episode is definitely the weakest and that’s 50% gran gran’s fault#aang and katara are also pretty flat but whatever#sokka’s good and zuko’s fantastic actually#they did goof on a few things but overall I think it’s a fun time#just don’t expect it to be as good as the cartoon and you’ll be okay#ANYWAY it got me missing toph#so i rewatched the blind bandit episode#and then wound up watching the entirety of books 2 & 3 in a few days#and now I’m brain rotted#which is especially weird considering when I first watched it I was like#yeah that was good! and then never thought about it again#i dunno what changed but i need help it’s taking over my life#wanted to draw Sokka too but he looks hard to draw#and i had enough trouble with these two#maybe someday#sorry for rambling in the tags goodbye
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we need to stop characterizing misako as a terrible mom and instead hate dr julien for deadbeat and leaving echo in that damn lighthouse
#this is /hj cause i mean echo was written#after he was gone from the narrative so like. not his fault later seasons would make him look bad in retrospect#but also that’s interesting for angst purposes#ALSO I AM MISAKOS BIGGEST DEFENDER.#yeah abandoning lloyd was shitty but she CANONICALLY deeply regrets it and#was just trying to prevent lloyd from hating his dad and having to fight him#and then she dedicated her entire life after that to trying to save him from fighting him#OVERALL her story is SO MUCH more interesting when you consider how tragic it is#also ppl act like she and llpyd hate eachother for some reason which makes no fucking sense#canonically she and llpyd have a good relationship (a better one than post oni trilogy lloyd and garmadon…)#anyway. i love misako she would’ve loved never love an anchor by the crane wives#ok rant over thanks for coming to my ted talk#anyways#ninjago#lego ninjago#dr julien#misako#echo zane
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say what you want about kung fu panda 4 but the fact that po has two dads is incredible and it made me feel so seen and understood. so i can't even imagine the joy little kids must feel when seeing a family dynamic that's similar to their own.
#i have one biological parent and one “adoptive” one#and im most similar to the adoptive one who came into my life way later#so po's story of meeting his “real” dad later in life is soooo relatable#i don't think ive ever seen a two dads dynamic in a kids movie before#it's so good#and im sure a lot of kids with two gay dads or two dads as result of divorce will feel seen and appreciated#overall narratives with chosen family resonate so much more with me than traditional family stories#like puss in boots#anyway yeah i went to see kfp4 with my parents yesterday and we had a great time!#kung fu panda
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grad school genuinely is so fucking fun though it’s so much better than undergrad it’s everything i thought undergrad would be but so much better bc you’re actually an adult this time around and also bc you’ve figured out what you wanna be doing and are surrounded by super fucking cool people who genuinely want to be there and like lord everything about it is just. so fun and so good. i’m happier than i’ve been in maybe my whole life. and it’s even for free
#i still am depressed and have severe mental illness because of the way that i am HOWEVER !!!!! i am enjoying life a lot :) so much actually#and YES it’s a lot of fucking work#but it’s FUN INTETESTING SATISFYING WORK. mostly#i mean if we are being honest with ourselves i am a little bit tired of the priestly law codes#and. like. through gritted teeth. oooh i wanna write this paper on athanasius soooo bad. 😬😬😬#BUT LIKE. i mean yeah. even that work that is like uuughggh. is actually overall. good#side eyeing my athanasius paper rn tho
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just a thought but like. if akiyama, who’s established as being a bizarrely talented investigator in y5, suspected kiryu’s death to have been faked (or at least “fishy” in his own words) basically on the fucking Spot, i feel like it just makes sense that majima would’ve been just as quick, if not quicker to see where shit wasn’t adding up and become skeptical that the whole thing was a coverup. reason being, in y5 he put shit together and figured out the grand scheme going on so damn early most people didn’t even suspect yet that there was any scheme going on. he then faked his own death well enough to get it in the papers and had masterminded himself all the way to the final boss (with some help of course) before things backfired on him. so he’s got some crazy good skills when it comes to reading people, figuring out their intentions, putting puzzle pieces together, etc– way better than he wants people knowing, generally– and he knows the hallmark signs of a faked death because he’s literally done it before. all that on top of knowing kiryu like the back of his hand and knowing damn well how hard this man is to kill, and how prone to running away from shit for the sake of the safety of people he cares about (for better or for worse) he is. he could absolutely put together that, if given the opportunity by some faction or powerful individual, kiryu would sacrifice his identity and status as a legit living person for the assured safety of others, or for yakuza tensions to diminish, or maybe even as an act of self-flagellation.
tldr: I think the reasons majima didn’t go rogue/apeshit after kiryu’s alleged death are that A) for once he has saejima around to reign him in and make it feel less like Everything has been lost, B) I think he’s legitimately known pretty much all along that kiryu didn’t die that day; nor would he believe it unless he saw it with his own eye.
#however. I also think it would clash with his tendency to be way more cynical and nihilistic than his persona makes him seem#like I do think he’d be pretty fucking sure in his gut And with his logic that kiryu wasn’t dead#but there’d be a pesky depressive part of him that’d scold him for being too idealistic or hopeful in a world that’s so fond of#torturing him. he doesn’t think himself Lucky to say the least. but if he held out hope for saejima while he was on death row for literally#years and saejima did make it back to him in one piece eventually– he’d have some ammo to reason with himself if that makes sense#that + I feel like saejima upon hearing him spiral into supposedly ‘realistic’ nihilism would Strongly reassure him#via reminding him that HE made it back to majima in the end. and that saejima himself knows from experience what a faked death feels like#and how holding onto hope Can in fact be fruitful in the end. overall a bad time for majima after kiryu’s fake death obviously but#he’d be surprisingly stable with all that going for him. makes me think he and saejima would really be the ones keeping daigo from falling#apart. considering he doesn’t have basis for the kind of hope they’re capable of having. almost everyone important to daigo dies eventually#his dad. mine right in front of him. now kiryu. boy must have abandonment issues off the damn charts.#I also like to think he hung around shinada a bit after that incident to just have Something good and pure in his life occasionally. but#he’d be cautious and occasional about it out of fear that he’d ruin shinada’s life or cause him trouble#anyway. many thoughts about all this. they didn’t dive nearly enough into the old guard characters’ reactions to kiryu’s ‘death’ so. yeah#rambling#y6#majima#kazumaji
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oh i'm gonna be so annoying about this album..... i even took notes while listening to this just now...
#first of all supernova i'm gonna be so annoying abt that song i can feel it in my bones the instrumental is crazy the vocal layering is#making me ascend to the sky fr i LOOOOVEEE this sound for them and i can't wait to hear it in full!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#next set the tone actually a great sound for an aespa beside structurally it reminds me of the savage bsides like i'll make you cry or even#iconic but yeah she's soooo aespa to me and i love it too#then mine instantly put it as one of my favorites already bc LISTENNNNNNN darkspa i love you so much i love this salty&sweet darker prettie#and sluttier sister and s&s was already all of that omfg#next licorice the BASSSSS are we hearing her??????? INSANE and again aespa and their heavenly vocal layering i just can't i'm foaming at th#mouth as i'm typing this i'm so serious#okay to the fun songs bahama is gonna be my feel good summer beach vibe jam i already know it and if better thing wouldve gotten an album#she wouldve been on there. perfect summer sound#long chat too she sounds really cute maybe not as memorable to be as bahama or even live my life but DAMN i love a good upbeat track#prologue feels like a little interlude to me and the BABY IM A WEIRDO :D I KNOW ! was so silly sdjfksjfdf plsssss but a cute sound overall#live my life TURN THAT SHIT UPPPPPPPPPP the most cheery track and i'm strapped in to listen to it until i die. also an eri track to me#melody ahhh my reve daughters ik they would be proud of this song it's sounds very beautiful already#much more up my alley than their previous ballads ngl#in conclusion i'm gonna be the most annoying person on the dash once all these songs are revealed to the public and#i am already sosososososososo in love with this album what the FACK#000
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hello beautifuls, i got a job offer last week in [redacted] and i’m so grateful and excited to be… making money again! and to finally have my own place and fix it up to my taste and get 2 cats 🥹 there’s a job in [redacted] w the same exact salary range and i’m really hoping i get it bc it’s a much more desirable hot girl walkable city. my final interview for that job is next wednesday send hot girl city job offer vibes my way pls
#either way i’m so excited to be getting out of texas. i have a love hate relationship w my city bc it’s 90% mexican and frankly moving#either cities means i will mostly be surrounded by white people and i’m not even trying to be funny when i say that scares me a lil#i remember the first time my big sis and i visited new jersey and when we were walking around the town i looked at her and went ‘i’ve never#seen this many white people in my life’ and her eyes got big and she said ‘i was thinking the exact same thing’. like there’s safety and#security in being constantly surrounded by other mexicans/latinos but alas. it’s time to get out of the comfort zone and make some schmonie#the salary is very good i think but then again i probably don’t feel as impressed or wowed as i should bc i think i deserve 1 million#dollars an hour. and i don’t have imposter syndrome in fact i have i deserve it syndrome. i worked hard for everything i’ve earned so far#and im an amazing operations manager so yeah pay up bozo better yet? offer me more money :~] i actually did try negotiating the salary and#they were like well no. but we still want to extend the original offer LMAO i was like ok. i deserve it but ok#then i got a second job offer like the day after but they were offering $15k less and i was like hmm maybe this current job offer is pretty#good overall. so i denied it obviously and accepted the other one but i’m still holding out on the hot girl city job offer.#ill tell yall the cities once everything i said and done. send hot girl city vibes my way pls xoxooxo#thank you loves you all. walkable city here i come (i hope)!#mine
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the issue with AI chatbots is that they should NEVER be your first choice if you are building something to handle easily automated forms.... consider an algorithmic "choose your own adventure" style chatbot first
it really seems to me that the air canada chatbot was intended to be smth that could automatically handle customer service issues but honestly... if you do not need any sort of "human touch" then i would recommend a "fancier google form"... like a more advanced flowchart of issues. If you NEED AI to be part of your chatbot I would incorporate it as part of the input parsing - you should not be using it to generate new information!
#literally everyone sees AI and gets so hard they black out and it ANNOYS me!#prediction/recognition AI is fine i guess it's not without flaws but it is leagues better than generative AI#but also - use the right tool for the job#like the article said it was using ai chatbot to handle customer service. Is it so hard to create a series of pre-made questions to guide#-a customer through the process? (this is called a wizard i think)#(most importantly wizards have been around for pretty much as long as GUIs have)#'oh but you need to hardcode it' yeah and hardcoding stuff came free with having a job. Turn your questions into a series of markdown#-documents if you need someone with no tech skill to come in and put in the questions#don't outsource it to an AI. You are lowering the overall tech literacy of the population here and im not kidding#there are good uses of AI.. Woebot is a really good chatbot that uses AI precisely because it has a lot of human oversight in it#but i really think that AI is something that you better have a PERFECT - not just good - justification for#sorry.... angry tech guy rant.... i swear i dont do this in real life... i just like typing...
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First time I cried from the pain
Scratched 70s shower floor
First time someone bathed my joints for me
Gentle hands on my shuddering hips
First time I couldn’t open a blisterpack
Crinkling foil split for me
First time I realised how much worse it has gotten
Warmth of my loved ones all around.
- Milestones, by me.
#was in so much pain I was crying Thursday night and couldnt shower properly#have been recovering since then#took codiene for the first time yesterday and I can see why people get addicted!#anyway yeah just a bittersweet reflection I guess#how much my illness effects me sometimes but also how much better support I have#life is different to how I thought it would be#but its still good#overall
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btw similar to the whole "if you try adderall at a party and it calms you down, get an adhd test" thing, if at some point in your life you try microdosing shrooms with a friend and end up feeling like a functional person for the first time in your life, get tested for depression. like yeah hallucinogens come with elation so youre probably gonna have some "this is the best ive ever felt in my life" vibes regardless, but like. if that in and of itself feels like finally breathing in for the first time in years, thats for sure a sign that something is up with your ability to process serotonin most of the time. feeling better than ever before should be a nice bonus, not a crushing weight off your chest
#fun fact there are currently multiple ongoing studies vis a vis the effectiveness of psilocybin on depression#both on its own and as a companion to ssris#psylocybin targets the 5ht2a serotonin receptors which wikipedia tells me are more numerous in the brains of those with depression#so like. if you spend most of your life feeling like your brain is an aquarium with a leak in it and serotonin is the water and your default#state is 'slightly damp gravel grinding painfully against itself' thats ummm not normal 👍#and on the flipside of that if you have depression that no other med has worked for and know a guy. its 1000% worth it#origibberish#also i say 'wikipedia tells me' as if i just looked it up but that all comes from a long night of spite filled research after i asked my#psychiatrist if we could use the fact that psylocybin worked for me as a basis to like. narrow down which legal antidepressant#might work instead of basically just throwing darts at a board every time#and after several minutes explaining to her that i was not just asking her to prescribe me shrooms but in a legal way she went#'ohhhh yeah no unfortunately theres been no research into that‚ yeah.... sorry......:)'#which. as far as 'lies you come up with on the spot to avoid having to say i dont know' go‚ that is. maybe the worst one to pick#like. 'no‚ thats not an option'? alright fine maybe theres some internal rules or something who knows#'theres no research' though just. immediately tanks any and all credibility 100% even on its own but considering the subject matter?#youre telling me. that humans. the famously curious species that researches fucking Everything. and also Loves playing with drugs. when#trying to figure out how to make drugs that make brains feel good. would not start with the drugs they already knew made brains feel good.#youre telling me that not one (1) singular scientist tried shrooms and went 'oh my god wait. i dont feel like im dying for the first time#ever. holy fuck i need to study this'#complete misplay. absolutely legendary fumble. there were so many ways to fuck it up and somehow you found the worst. congratulations#om the other hand though. really was an excellent setup for the punchline that is the voicemail i have from them saying she'd been fired LOL#they didnt say what for specifically but yknow. based on my own experiences i certainly have theories jebfksbfk#it was annoying in the moment but at the end of the day i have shrooms and she doesnt have the job so. whos laughing now emily KSBFKSBFKDN#this is what i mean though like. rn i feel fine. not on top of the world‚ not like a god#just. fine. i just dont feel like shit. i feel like i can do stuff if i want to‚ or chill peacefully and have it actually be. relaxing.#i dont feel like gravel right now‚ i feel like a person.#and god what a fucking relief it is#really i guess the moral overall is that if at any point you react to trying a new drug the same way an addict craving a hit for days would#then there maybe is something up with your brain chemistry because that means your default state of existence is comparable to that#of withdrawal. a famously shit experience
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my opinion on season 11 is that ian and mickey were all over the place from episode to episode and i ultimately wasn’t very happy with where it ended for them
#just felt kind of incomplete and boring in terms of their getting an apartment arc#like mickey was still genuinely very unhappy about it and they just left it like that?#and obviously i didn’t love how they did the terry stuff.#i think. there’s something to it because you can never truly predict how you’re gonna feel about something like that#even if it’s a piece of shit who you truly hate like. feelings happen.#and that could have been interesting to explore but it wasn’t done in a way that felt interesting#it just felt like a waste of time when we could’ve been doing other stuff with their screentime#and the beginning was so good i was having sooo much fun when ian was like yeah let’s steal an ambulance and yes we can have guns again.#let’s fuck in the ambulance. etc.#that was so hot and then they ruined it both in that scene that i wanted to SEE and with where they took the story after#like how quickly ian jumps back to ‘well we won’t do crimes then :)’ i thought he was having FUN doing crimes#like are they still doing their security shit? are they still working with stolen equipment?? i want them to do crimes :(#(when i lay it all out like that i’m like perhaps ‘ian being exited about doing crimes’ is not a Good Sign for him. but#it really wasn’t presented that way in context. like i don’t think that’s what they were going for there#and he can be doing better and still have fun doing stupid shit#a la their little outing before he got arrested by the military#yes that was like. 5 years earlier but i’m still like what happened to THAT ian he got boring#and i’m not saying like. him being healthy is boring. i’m saying let him be healthy and also have fun.#anyway.)#also like. signing a lease on the spot against mickeys wishes. kind of fucking impulsive and reckless. but no it’s bc he wants#to have a better life or whatever so it’s fine.#idk i just want to see them steal shit and fuck in an ambulance#and i mean like OVERALL ian has not been as much of a Crime Guy as others. certainly not compared to mickey#like he’s DONE crimes obviously but not in a. it’s his lifestyle way. i guess?#so idk why i’m like i want him to go BACK to that if that wasn’t exactly what he was doing in the first place#but he LIKES doing shady shit with mickey and having fun and idk why they bothered showing us that#if they were gonna drop it by the end of the season that i can only assume they knew would be the final season#it just felt like they didn’t know what to do with the two of them all season and they ended the season in a less satisfying place#than they started#r.txt
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I was really hoping I'd start to feel better by this time and be more active with art/stories, but I'm still very sick. I don't remember ever being as sick in my life as I've been the last three months. That little incident back in February turned out to be only the first domino. Unfortunately the medication I was given for it gave me side-effects that have continued until today, months after I've stopped taking the medicine. And it might continue for the forseeable future, sadly. I really really don't want to admit it, but hoping I'd get better soon had only made me more frustrated with my current state. And I think I'll be a tad better off if I just let go of expectations. I'm still around, still lurking and liking posts, but I don't have much energy to really engage in things right now.
#urgh insomnia#i've been such a good sleeper my entire life#this feels like the utmost betrayal by my body#the fatigue and the dizziness make me feel like a zombie#every evening i get so anxious about turning in the for the night#going to bed used to be such a welcome part of my day#yay sleep#but now it's like a battle every night urgh urgh urgh#the dizziness is horrid#i turn my head and i feel off balance#and i have this underlying health anxiety that the dizziness might be caused by something else#cuz of my cousin who got diagnosed with a brain tumor and died a few weeks later#so i'm just sad and scared everyday#i am seeing a doctor and a sleep therapist so it's not like i'm going at this alone#and my parents have been so so so supportive#they even switched rooms with me twice#but yeah things just suck overall#right when i actually have ideas for fics and art!!#the human body sucks for not going to sleep when you want to
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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5 Happy Things
July 18, 2024
ate breakfast <3
got some good grades today
been texting both my mom and dad in the mornings lately (used to be just my mom) and it's been real nice. i really love both my parents and they make it easy to love them
dungeon meshi
gonna buy strawberries tomorrow and they're gonna taste good and make me happy <3
#5 happy things#i just had a Terrible Week and it was a really good week. i went to bed in the nights and rose in the mornings#my body worked beautifully. i ate good food. my finances were perfectly stable. there were zero emergencies#i was able to see friends who i really treasure and love and who also seem to treasure and love me in turn#overall it was full of wonderful and delightful things#and i think that just says so much about the luxury and good fortune i live in. like yeah it was a Bad Week for me.#but also it was a great week because i have a really great life with basically nothing to complain about#i wish i could count every wonderful thing in my life and give it the love and joy and delight it ought to have#it feels so silly to be displeased or unhappy when there is so much good#like what good does it do anyone if i am miserable? but what great it does me to be happy and enjoy my life!!#tomorrow is going to be wonderful if i should be so fortunate as to meet it. i hope to love it beautifully
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